Hello Sailor(s)!
After a lengthy hiatus I'm back with a little life advice and a few rather spunky opinions.
(Because I am such an incredible example of a girl and so utterly wise it hurts)
I'm going to ramble, write the first things that come into my head and you'll have to sift through it all to find any form of gold.
You see I often find myself writing notes down on my iPhone about what I've learnt from certain interesting situations and I thought I'd be a kind soul and pass my somewhat twisted thoughts on to those in need.
(Because I am such an incredible example of a girl and so utterly wise it hurts)
I'm going to ramble, write the first things that come into my head and you'll have to sift through it all to find any form of gold.
You see I often find myself writing notes down on my iPhone about what I've learnt from certain interesting situations and I thought I'd be a kind soul and pass my somewhat twisted thoughts on to those in need.
Now I think it best I start off by saying I am not by any means a fucking professional at this strange three ring shit circus that is life, I'm simply opinionated and a serious over thinker.
Disclaimer
I use swear words like they're going out of fashion and I mean them in the most lighthearted of ways.
Disclaimer
I use swear words like they're going out of fashion and I mean them in the most lighthearted of ways.
Number One.
It is perfectly acceptable to say in any situation that once seemed promising but has seemingly turned to rat shit, "fuck this fucking shit." Be it a friendship, job, relationship, you have the right to simply walk away. And if you want to be a proper cold hearted bastard you don't even have to explain your actions, simply say "fuck this' and walk away with your head held high and your balls hefty with all the metaphorical steel they're carrying.
If it no longer serves you, fuck it.
Number 2.
If you get that gut instinct feeling, bloody follow it. Something doesn't feel right? It almost certainly isn't. Don't over think this one too much. If your stomach does that 'somethin' ain't right' flip learn to listen to it and trust it. If I had a dime for the amount of times my gut has been right about something or someone i'd be writing this on a yacht in the Bahamas.
Go with your god damn gut chaps.
Number 3.
Just when you thought you were alright eating your gluten free, dairy free, hair free toast and drinking your protein shake you'll be blindsided by bullshit out of nowhere thoughts that just really want to fuck up your Tuesday.
Here's a handy as fuck tip to get you out of those shit fucking moments.
Music is one of the most emotive things in the world, in my opinion, one of the best/worst inventions known to man. The first few bars of a song can either cripple or cure you. In times of 'oh my fucking christ where's my head and what am I going to do to get my shit together and actually be able to human today' I turn to a specific set of songs that instantly make me feel perkier. One is Love In An Elevator by Aerosmith, I was going through an absolute cunt of a break up years back and my dear father took me to see them in London. We ate chocolate covered popcorn and drank Gin and danced away to that song and I realised in that moment that life really wasn't so bad and there were so many more interesting things to be consumed by than boys, I trained my mind for the foreseeable months after the gig to hear the chorus of that song any time a bad thought popped into my head. This is a nifty little trick that takes a bit of practise. Find a song that makes you instantly happy, one that you associate with a certain happy moment (no a song you and an arsehole ex boyfriend/girlfriend listened to, that defeats the fucking point) one that makes you happy on your own, with your cat eating ice cream or Kentucky Fried Fucking Chicken.
Since god has blessed us with an iPhone simply carry earphones wherever you go and plug those bad boys in whenever you feel mopey.
Here are a few cheeky suggestions;
Beat It - Michael Jackson
Kate Bush - Cloudbusting
I Can't Go For That - Hall & Oats
Elevate - St. Lucia
Over You - Roxy Music
Rebel Rebel - David Bowie
Nigga's in Paris - Kanye & Jay-Z, obvs.
Yes - McAlmont & Butler
Panama - Destroyer
Shut Up - Stormzy (innit)
Zayn whats his face from One Direction - LIKE I WOULD (Fucking banger.)
Number 4.
Long distance relationships are bullshit. Take it from an old campaigner. Just don't do it. Ever. Nope. Stop. Bollocks to it. Don't even think about it. HALT.
No good will ever come of it. You'll both be wondering if one another are rodgering every Tom, Dick or Harry on a nightly basis, that is unless you have an 'unbreakable bond and trust each other implicitly', please. We aren't in a fucking Jane Austin novel.
Number 5.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please for the sake of your own fate be aware that when you are in a dimly lit public room i.e. a public house, brothel/whore house and you check your phone every five fucking seconds to see if that 'oh so hot' Tinder guy/girl you so want to match with has liked you back, you are quite literally shining a spotlight up your nose and highlighting your double chin making anyone who actually still does the whole talking to people in bars thing, instantly aware of your oily forehead and dodgy bronzer. The aim here is to give yourself the best chance possible at being even remotely appealing, don't fuck it up numb nuts.
Number 6.
Do not and I mean really do not expect anyone to fill you up (unless, well, except for when they are actually filling you up, god willing they're man enough for the job)
You need to fill yourself up with a fuck load of whatever takes your fancy (no we are not talking cock, unless that's all your after, crack on love) This day and age just screeeeeaaaaammmsss for us to find one other person who will love us so much that all our insecurities and downfalls simply disappear in a puff of hot air. Well here's a news flash, that ain't real life darlin'. Get the bloody idealistic story book love out of your head tout de suite. You've got to work on your own god damn shit and get it so together that should someone lovely come into your life, all they will do is enhance it, not become it. That's so fucking unhealthy and you're setting yourself up for one hell of a headfucked fall. This all consuming, obsessive love and infatuation is an absolute mother fucker because unless it's reciprocated and really felt bouncing back from someones very core, sincerely, it will send you up the wall. Literally, you'll drive your dodgy little Ford Fiesta into the nearest bricks and mortar.
Number 7.
Don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks.
It's fucking liberating.
Number 8.
Don't do anything to impress anyone else. So you got dumped, do not, I repeat do not stalk the next poor fucker up in line on social media and emulate their bullshit to try and win back said wanker. Seriously, writing it down this sounds like such nonsense but the amount of people I've seen trying to be a copycat is just embarrassing. Yes you've been fucked over, if someone leaves, let em'! Which leads me onto my next oh so fascinating bit of information I have up my sleeve..
Number 9.
Listen very, very carefully chaps. If someone leaves you, be that relationship wise, friendship, pimp, unloving bastard uncle twice removed for good reason. You let them leave. Do not under any circumstance chase after anyone who willingly leaves you. You are not a fucking imbecile. Please have some self respect and don't be a fucking wet blanket. I can personally say it is utterly liberating telling someone to sling their bleedin' hook when they inevitably come striding back in with muddy feet, and I assure you, they will come back and you'll just wish they'd fuck back off again.
Number 10.
Nothing is permanent. This is both a blessing and a curse. Know without a doubt that any bad situation you may find yourself in will not mean nearly as much as you think and feel it does at this very moment in time, next week, next month and by this time next year I promise you that it will be a mere bad memory. Because everything is ever changing! If you can see that as a positive and not something scary, you're onto a serious bloody winner.
Number 11.
When someone doesn't respond to a text, a call, a telegram, carrier pigeon, the not replying is a response in itself. Yes you'll undoubtedly feel a little hard done by and left hanging but people are selfish and rarely able to express themselves fuck faces and the silence is answer enough.
Sometimes you have to throw your hands up in the air and leave things unsaid, things left half done for the sake of your own sanity stop obsessing over the could and would haves and leave things hanging, pass it off as a bad experience, learn from it and move the fuck on.
Number 12.
Every single fucker that comes into your life will enlighten you in some way shape or form. I'm not talking Buddha style, lets not get too big for our bloody boots here. I'm talking take the good, learn from the bad kind of thing. I've been shown some of the best music by utter arsehole people who I thought were oh so great at the time. Take the shit hot titbits people feed you, discard the bullshit.
Number 13.
Try not to dwell or worry about things you have no control over.
The worrying won't do anything if you can't control it and if you can control it then there's no need to worry. Got it? Good.
Number 14.
This is something I've begun to realise is almost certainly the key to long lasting happiness.
If you can accept a situation exactly as it is, without wanting or expecting more you are onto a sure winner. What i'm saying here is if you can learn to enjoy moments without wanting more from them, just simply revelling in the sheer joy of actually being able to experience something good for even the smallest amount of time, and realising that these moments are a gift that you should be bloody fucking grateful for, you will be well on your way to a fuck head free mind and all round sparkly life.
Being the changeable bastard that I am, all this information will be irrelevant this time next week, pick the bones of it and apply it (or not, probably best not) to your little lives and see how you get on.
Well, thats all for now folks.
Stay Golden Pony Boy x
Number 3.
Just when you thought you were alright eating your gluten free, dairy free, hair free toast and drinking your protein shake you'll be blindsided by bullshit out of nowhere thoughts that just really want to fuck up your Tuesday.
Here's a handy as fuck tip to get you out of those shit fucking moments.
Music is one of the most emotive things in the world, in my opinion, one of the best/worst inventions known to man. The first few bars of a song can either cripple or cure you. In times of 'oh my fucking christ where's my head and what am I going to do to get my shit together and actually be able to human today' I turn to a specific set of songs that instantly make me feel perkier. One is Love In An Elevator by Aerosmith, I was going through an absolute cunt of a break up years back and my dear father took me to see them in London. We ate chocolate covered popcorn and drank Gin and danced away to that song and I realised in that moment that life really wasn't so bad and there were so many more interesting things to be consumed by than boys, I trained my mind for the foreseeable months after the gig to hear the chorus of that song any time a bad thought popped into my head. This is a nifty little trick that takes a bit of practise. Find a song that makes you instantly happy, one that you associate with a certain happy moment (no a song you and an arsehole ex boyfriend/girlfriend listened to, that defeats the fucking point) one that makes you happy on your own, with your cat eating ice cream or Kentucky Fried Fucking Chicken.
Since god has blessed us with an iPhone simply carry earphones wherever you go and plug those bad boys in whenever you feel mopey.
Here are a few cheeky suggestions;
Beat It - Michael Jackson
Kate Bush - Cloudbusting
I Can't Go For That - Hall & Oats
Elevate - St. Lucia
Over You - Roxy Music
Rebel Rebel - David Bowie
Nigga's in Paris - Kanye & Jay-Z, obvs.
Yes - McAlmont & Butler
Panama - Destroyer
Shut Up - Stormzy (innit)
Zayn whats his face from One Direction - LIKE I WOULD (Fucking banger.)
Number 4.
Long distance relationships are bullshit. Take it from an old campaigner. Just don't do it. Ever. Nope. Stop. Bollocks to it. Don't even think about it. HALT.
No good will ever come of it. You'll both be wondering if one another are rodgering every Tom, Dick or Harry on a nightly basis, that is unless you have an 'unbreakable bond and trust each other implicitly', please. We aren't in a fucking Jane Austin novel.
Number 5.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please for the sake of your own fate be aware that when you are in a dimly lit public room i.e. a public house, brothel/whore house and you check your phone every five fucking seconds to see if that 'oh so hot' Tinder guy/girl you so want to match with has liked you back, you are quite literally shining a spotlight up your nose and highlighting your double chin making anyone who actually still does the whole talking to people in bars thing, instantly aware of your oily forehead and dodgy bronzer. The aim here is to give yourself the best chance possible at being even remotely appealing, don't fuck it up numb nuts.
Number 6.
Do not and I mean really do not expect anyone to fill you up (unless, well, except for when they are actually filling you up, god willing they're man enough for the job)
You need to fill yourself up with a fuck load of whatever takes your fancy (no we are not talking cock, unless that's all your after, crack on love) This day and age just screeeeeaaaaammmsss for us to find one other person who will love us so much that all our insecurities and downfalls simply disappear in a puff of hot air. Well here's a news flash, that ain't real life darlin'. Get the bloody idealistic story book love out of your head tout de suite. You've got to work on your own god damn shit and get it so together that should someone lovely come into your life, all they will do is enhance it, not become it. That's so fucking unhealthy and you're setting yourself up for one hell of a headfucked fall. This all consuming, obsessive love and infatuation is an absolute mother fucker because unless it's reciprocated and really felt bouncing back from someones very core, sincerely, it will send you up the wall. Literally, you'll drive your dodgy little Ford Fiesta into the nearest bricks and mortar.
Number 7.
Don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks.
It's fucking liberating.
Number 8.
Don't do anything to impress anyone else. So you got dumped, do not, I repeat do not stalk the next poor fucker up in line on social media and emulate their bullshit to try and win back said wanker. Seriously, writing it down this sounds like such nonsense but the amount of people I've seen trying to be a copycat is just embarrassing. Yes you've been fucked over, if someone leaves, let em'! Which leads me onto my next oh so fascinating bit of information I have up my sleeve..
Number 9.
Listen very, very carefully chaps. If someone leaves you, be that relationship wise, friendship, pimp, unloving bastard uncle twice removed for good reason. You let them leave. Do not under any circumstance chase after anyone who willingly leaves you. You are not a fucking imbecile. Please have some self respect and don't be a fucking wet blanket. I can personally say it is utterly liberating telling someone to sling their bleedin' hook when they inevitably come striding back in with muddy feet, and I assure you, they will come back and you'll just wish they'd fuck back off again.
Number 10.
Nothing is permanent. This is both a blessing and a curse. Know without a doubt that any bad situation you may find yourself in will not mean nearly as much as you think and feel it does at this very moment in time, next week, next month and by this time next year I promise you that it will be a mere bad memory. Because everything is ever changing! If you can see that as a positive and not something scary, you're onto a serious bloody winner.
Number 11.
When someone doesn't respond to a text, a call, a telegram, carrier pigeon, the not replying is a response in itself. Yes you'll undoubtedly feel a little hard done by and left hanging but people are selfish and rarely able to express themselves fuck faces and the silence is answer enough.
Sometimes you have to throw your hands up in the air and leave things unsaid, things left half done for the sake of your own sanity stop obsessing over the could and would haves and leave things hanging, pass it off as a bad experience, learn from it and move the fuck on.
Number 12.
Every single fucker that comes into your life will enlighten you in some way shape or form. I'm not talking Buddha style, lets not get too big for our bloody boots here. I'm talking take the good, learn from the bad kind of thing. I've been shown some of the best music by utter arsehole people who I thought were oh so great at the time. Take the shit hot titbits people feed you, discard the bullshit.
Number 13.
Try not to dwell or worry about things you have no control over.
The worrying won't do anything if you can't control it and if you can control it then there's no need to worry. Got it? Good.
Number 14.
This is something I've begun to realise is almost certainly the key to long lasting happiness.
If you can accept a situation exactly as it is, without wanting or expecting more you are onto a sure winner. What i'm saying here is if you can learn to enjoy moments without wanting more from them, just simply revelling in the sheer joy of actually being able to experience something good for even the smallest amount of time, and realising that these moments are a gift that you should be bloody fucking grateful for, you will be well on your way to a fuck head free mind and all round sparkly life.
Being the changeable bastard that I am, all this information will be irrelevant this time next week, pick the bones of it and apply it (or not, probably best not) to your little lives and see how you get on.
Well, thats all for now folks.
Stay Golden Pony Boy x
Dear madame, I shall be applying point 14 over the course of the next 40 to 50 years but I will be reviewing the process early on and seeing how my little life is getting on with it. Many thanks regards Pony boy with golden cock sleevage.
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