The Blind Leading The Blind Part 3

Number 26.

Never trust anyone who puts any of the following emoji's on your picture.

The little fire sign

The dancing latino girl in the red dress

The strong muscle arm

The two finger peace sign

and last but definitely not least, the fucking winky face.

No no no no no.

Oh! and the bloody punchy fist emoji? No.

Fuck boy 2k16.

Number 27.

First kisses are often weird.
Hang in there soldier.
Second kiss weird?
Run.
For the hills.
There's no chemistry there and you're wasting your sodding time.

Number 28.

There is no code to go by. 
No pocket sized rule book that tells you what's right and wrong.

 No manual that you can look up certain behaviour in or manual to decipher why someone is acting a certain way.

 It's constant guess work unless you have the gumption to outright ask what's going on in someone's head. 
Even then, good fucking luck trying to figure out what they're actually saying, because people are oh so into avoiding talking about anything of any real importance, and honesty?
What's honesty?
The best you can do is realise what works and doesn't work for you.
Then go by that.

One must master a world in which one is whole without outside validation. 

Number 29.

If it ain't you, it ain't you. You could do backflips on his dick and have an arse stuffed with diamonds.
But if it ain't you, it ain't fucking you.
 And that's not something to be sad about, believe me, If you aren't for someone, they certainly aren't for you.
It's a two way street. If someone else pulls away you, thank them.
For saving you from the prolonged bullshit brigade you'd be in for if you stuck around.
Don't get caught in the three ring shit show.
The sooner you take a step back from a situation and see whats really going on. i.e., wanky behaviour, suss it out, realise that its horse shit and move the fuck on.
Don't, for the love of all things holy, cling onto things that do not serve you or be upset because you no longer have draining, life sucking arse wipes in your life anymore.
Have some self respect.

Number 30.

Please do yourself a favour and don't look at other peoples relationships as something to be envious of.

She's probably faking her orgasms and he's most likely fantasising about the girl he saw on the bus.

Number 31.

Flattery is appealing. 

Do be careful not to get caught up in someone because you're lonely and they showed you a bit of attention/affection/flashed you a bit of ankle.

Make sure you get into situations with other people for the right reasons or you'll be up shit creek without a paddle.

Number 32.

You don't have to pay avid attention to every little thought that pops into your head, especially after midnight.
Unless it's an artistic one.
Run with those.
The best creative work gets done late at night.
Emotional thoughts after midnight?
No.
Bin them.
 Come back to them in the morning, I promise they will look very different in the cold light of day, and if they don't, well then you can act on them.
Get it?
 Good.
You're welcome.

Number 33.

Before making a major change to your hair, for example, cutting the whole bastarding thing off because it didn't play ball that day, I implore you to simply get some lowlights/highlights and see how you feel in a few days.
 Especially if you're a girl.
 Please for fuck sake check where you are in your cycle and put off the chop until your little hormones have balanced out a bit.

You'll thank me later.

Number 33.5

Refrain from making any big decisions when you're on your period.

That goes for you too men, with your monthly freak outs.

Number 34.

Don't buy cheap shoes.

They hurt and say a hell of a lot about you before you even open your mouth.

Number 35.

People get really nasty when they don't get their own way.
Pay no attention to them and their passive aggressive bullshit.
It takes up so much energy that you could be doing far better and more important things for yourself with.
Don't rise to their selfish emotional blackmail, don't try and fight your corner or explain, just ignore and internally curse their name and wish small pox upon them,
 or herpes.

Number 36.

A tan makes the world of difference. 

Number 37.

Red lipstick is a pick me up in a little plastic tube.

Apply liberally for instant lift/sex appeal.

Men, for you its a long sleeved, boat neck, tight but not too tight cotton top.

Number 38.

Don't ask questions if you're not capable of receiving an unwanted answer.

Number 39.

Never laugh at a man without his trousers on.

Trust me, it doesn't go down well.
Or at all after your little giggling fit.
Bare it in mind.

Gag intended.

Number 40.

People are made to think that it's not ok to change your mind or be undecided about something.

I'm here to tell you fuck em'.
In the eye, with a spoon.

It is perfectly ok to change your mind, more than ok, healthy and darn right bloody human.
It means you have a mind of your own to think with!

And if anyone makes you feel bad about it you have my permission to set fire to their arm hair/sideburns and whip them with wet tea towels.

Number 40.5
Try your very hardest not to get used to things being a certain way, things are ever changing and although it's a little bit of a scary thing, its also an absolute fucking blessing.
The sooner you give into the change and know that it is an enormous part of life and of great importance to keep everything fresh and new, the happier you'll be.

Number 41.

Don't say stuff you don't mean just to get a reaction.

Bad juju lies afoot.

Seriously, because you'll just feel like a bloody idiot after.

And you'll look like one to boot.

Number 42.

Ice cream, especially sorbet (raspberry), is acceptable at any hour of the day.

Number 43.
It's the 21st Century, fuck boys and girls are running around like headless chickens boning anything that moves, remember that there is a very good chance you won't hear from them after you've done the no pants dance.
Are you emotionally stable enough to deal with that?
Yes?
Carry on my friend, keep yourself nice though.
No?
Don't bloody do it, get a cat and take selfies with it.
Make a bloody cat shrine, floss, don't for the love of Mary, take your knickers off in front of a boy.

Number 44.
Stop using text/facebook/whatsapp messages to say things you can't say in person.
Grow some balls and say whatever you want to with conviction.

Number 45.
WhatsApp freaks me out.

Number 46.
The guy/girl you're talking to at the moment, imagine them without their top on.
Did you laugh?
Fuck off the idea of sleeping with them there and then.
If the thought of them in the all together doesn't leave your undercarriage skipping in anticipation then I'm afraid you've just found yourself another pal.
Take them out for ice cream to soften the blow.

Number 47.
Please cling onto childlike enthusiasm.
Once you lose, it you're fucked.

Number 48.
Cool it with the texpectations.
Don't text someone if a not getting a quick reply is going to bruise your ego.
People are busy.

 - Ignoring you mainly -

Send the text regardless.
Then get on with your life.
Calm the fuck down.
Be cool.
they're probably feeding their unicorn.
washing their socks.
talking to leprechauns.

Number 49.
Look at the sky around six thirty in the evening, especially in October.

Number 50.
If drinking pumpkin spice lattes makes you a basic white bitch,
then white bitch me up, Scotty.
They're fucking spectacular.