A Girls Guide To Fucking Without Feelings

fuck buddy

noun

vulgar slang

1. a friend or acquaintance with whom a person regularly has sex without the expectation of a romantic relationship.

Two simple words that easily become overcomplicated if you don't have your wits about you and your shit firmly together.

At least when it comes to fun without commitment.
Something us girls seem to have serious issues with,

so I'm here to simplify things as well as give you all a little bit of friendly advice.

Think of me as an Ecstasy Aunt.

But before I begin I would like to make a few things very, very clear.
This is not me, Mimi Jane Crompton, whoring myself out or inviting men I don't know to try it on with me.
I'm not fucking interested.
If I was, I'd be in your bed.
Got it?
Good.

And another thing.
I'd like to make it quite clear that I'm not advocating faking anything here, I'm definitely not saying pretend you don't like someone in order to get them to carry on sleeping with you, what I am saying is if you're not looking for a relationship and you want to have a terribly fun time with an array of tasty delights,  I'm here to tell you how.


This is a no nonsense guide to fucking without feelings, so if you're an overemotional little bitch, please look away now.
By without feelings I mean finding people to have a lovely time with that you don't need to get attached to.
Although if you do happen to get attached don't for fuck sake be so silly as to turn a blind eye to it.

If you ask me, one night stands are for morons.
They've never been en vogue and never will be.

You don't know what you're getting yourself into and theres every chance you'll catch something that'll make you itch.
Completely unappealing if you ask me.

But if you're out of a relationship, you're not looking for anything with any meaning just yet,

-which may I add is totally fucking fine and I actually highly recommend it.
Being single in your twenties is an absolute necessity in order to learn and grow on your own.-

Back on track ladies, you're a functioning human, you're bloody well going to have itches that need scratching
(not the kind you'll need antibiotics for)
So what's a girl to do?

You find someone(s) to be at your beck and booty call thats what.

Let me just make something crystal clear;

If you are a woman who is sexually active, enjoys sex and actively seeks it,

THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A SLUT OR A WHORE.

So fuck off with your  judgemental stone age wanker ideas of how a woman should be.

Women have the right to do exactly as they wish with their own body.
Recent studies have actually shown that women are less well suited to monogamy than men!

And believe it or not, women have a big old sex drive too, you stuck up old prudes.
Women want sex just as much as men and this drive is "not, for the most part, sparked or sustained by emotional intimacy and safety."

Well, well, well.

Women aren't meek little housewives who wear chastity belts and have to wait until they're married until they can open their legs.
And we aren't out to use sex purely as a means to get what we want or to provoke monogamous emotional intimacy, we just really like sex too.

 I'm not promoting fucking around without a care for yourself or others.
Or fucking about with any Tom, Dick or Harry.
You need to hone in on who floats your boat and stick with them, not accept any invitations of sex from strangers.

 What I am advocating is this;
consensual intimacy with other people without expecting it becoming anything other than just great sex.

Sex doesn't only perk you up and feel fucking great about yourself, it also boosts your immune system, lowers blood pressure,  reduces the risk of heart attacks and eases stress.

So where are you supposed to find these fuckers?

Little black books are a thing of the past.
Instead we have a whole world of opportunity at our fingertips.
Tinder, Grindr, Facebook, Instagram.
All platforms with a smorgasbord of girls and boys to tickle your fancy at the click of a direct message.

All you need is a little blind faith, gumption and a pinch of self confidence and you're laughing.

Tinder is literally a walking advertisement for bonking.
If you like the look of someone all you have to do is message them, meet them, see if they float your boat and wham bam thank you ma'am, you're cooking with gas.
Other than that you might like to go out and actually scout the lucky fuckers.
I mean everywhere is a potential 'pick up' place.
Take Marks and Spencer's for example.
The gentleman cashier tried his luck big time by writing his number on my receipt a few weeks ago.
Let me reiterate that, the cashier in the fucking food hall where I was buying my chocolate almond milk tried it on with me.
And you think you can't find someone to get your kicks with?
Unfortunately for him, he was not as deliciously appealing as the chocolate almond milk I was purchasing and I decided to leave him on the shelf.

Go make small talk, get their name, stalk the bastards on Facebook and every known social platform known to make then send them a cheeky message to get the ball rolling.
Piece of cake, just be ballsy.
If they aren't completely taken aback and think all their christmases have come at once, fuck them off.

Firstly, this is a person purely for your sexual gratification, not a potential boyfriend or girlfriend.

That information needs to be very clear from the get go.
In your head and vocally said to whomever you plan on boning.
Saying that there are a select few people who just slot nicely into the role of a fuck buddy without having to have that conversation.
You'll know them immediately, mainly recognisable by the fact that they'll only be around if they/you fancy a bit of the other.

This is a time to be very straight about what you want from someone. 

You're not trying to please them unless you're both naked, so grow some balls and lay the law.

The trick of casual sex is being attracted to someone enough to want to sleep with them but not enough to want anything more.
You just have to basically really fucking fancy them.

But be sensible enough to know that you aren't compatible in any other way.

Because once we sleep with someone, emotions do have an awful habit of bubbling to the surface and we can't have feelings getting in the way of perfectly good sex now can we.

(Mother Nature needs to go to a few tantric sex classes, grow a pair of balls and man the fuck up)

There are wonderful people out there, the ones emotions never bubble up with no matter how wonderful they are in bed and these are the people you're looking for.
They're usually the devilishly handsome tall men with an ego the size of Mummy and Daddies cheque book and generally thought of as an enormous wanker.
And believe it or not in this situation, thinking they're a bit of a wanker is a good thing.
You don't really want or need to have anything in common with these people, conversation needn't flow because lets face it, the only words you really want them to be saying are dirty ones, assuming you're into that sort of thing.

I really wouldn't recommend letting anyone stay after the dirty deed is done, a fuck me then fuck off approach needs to be taken.

Because you're not there to make them fucking breakfast.

If cir-cum-stances absolutely dick-tate 

(oh this is pun heaven) 

that they have to stay then you have two options;
you can offer them tea in the morning which is universal code "for thanks for that now fuck off" without actually having to say it.

Or

you can just tell them to sling their hook.

Like I said, you're not trying to impress unless you're between the sheets (or up against a wall) it's a given they find you desirable enough to bone you, who cares if they think you're an upstanding citizen or a decent person.

I suggest going to them, that way you can leave whenever you please.

Parents houses are a no no, find someone with their own place.

You can absolutely afford to be picky here.

What you're wanting to avoid is the after sex intimacy.
For fuck sake no after fumble cuddling

No kissing 

Absolutely no hand holding.
They try and hold your fucking hand, you punch them in the face.
There are different levels of intimacy, smashing your bodies together in a race for an orgasm can be intimate if theres a connection but it can also simply be a release of energy.
Hand holding is too intimate and you'll fall dick first into an emotional fuck hole.

Keep the fuck to your own side of the bed, no touching what-so-ever.

This is absolutely crucial to maintaining a 'healthy' arrangement.

Take it from an old campaigner, I've fallen massively for the old "would you like my arm to sleep under?" line when I meant to purely keep things platonic.
Because it's human to want to be close to someone, especially if you've just slept with them but seriously trust me on this one.

You sleep under that arm and you're fucked mate.
You're well on your way into emotional dick sand.
Here meaning, mistaking really good sex for actual affection.

Staying at someone else's gaff unfortunately means that you probably won't be getting that much sleep.
Because sleeping next to someone you're trying to remain aloof with means you're going to be worrying about the following;
 is your face squished in an unflattering manner ?
does your hair look ok?
lord have mercy, what if you dribble or snore or any other bodily functions happen without your control whilst you're slumbering away?
christ, does he snore?
Oh fuck, will my fake tan come off on their sheets?
what the fuck is this bedding?
Is this nylon?
why doesn't he have more than two pillows on the whole bed? (personally I like two pillows under wherever I lay my fair head.)

You see the majority of men usually have decorative pillows which are no use to man nor beast for their beds (fuck knows why) and in my desperate ploy to make myself more comfortable, I have gone to extremes and used one of the itchy little bastards (because they are usually a shitty scratchy cotton imitation) which, I do not recommend.
So short of taking your own pillow, you're fucked.
Which all leads to little to no sleep, unless you're absolutely fucking off your tits drunk.
So there's always that option.

Ladies, this also means sleeping with your make-up firmly on.
No getting up and removing the illusion after you're finished doing the no pants dance.

See while this whole thing is definitely about about being comfortable with someone, it's not about being THAT comfortable.
No one really wants to wake up next to a bare faced puffy little beast when they've gone to bed with a beauty.

Better to have mascara smudged across your face and go for the disheveled look than scare the living shit out of the poor man and risk never seeing him again.

So you're going to need a few choice items in your bag to get you through the next morning.
Now I wouldn't suggest hanging around anytime at all unless theres a cup of tea or morning sex on the agenda so you'll only need a few basic things to get you the fuck out of there looking half decent asap.

1.
Taking a toothbrush is a bit overkill but you could get one of those cheeky little fold away ones and a little tiny bottle of travel toothpaste.
For fuck sake, under pain of death, keep both in your handbag at all times.
Nothing sends the shits up a man more than a toothbrush.
Seriously.
Offer a man a toothbrush at your house and they will run a fucking mile, even though you're only offering for hygienic 'brush your fucking teeth, you taste like a hamster cage, I'm not coming anywhere near you with breath like that' purposes.
I've been known to use the man in questions, if i'm going anywhere near them with my mouth and vice versa then using their toothbrush is not a problem in my eyes, but then some men are touchy little bitches and have a problem with it.
Which wouldn't stop me and it shouldn't stop you either.
Just be coy about it.
But if you too are a bit of a wimp go for the easiest option of travel size mouthwash.
Swish it about a bit, rub your teeth with your finger.
Fucking sorted.

2.
Face wipes.
Multipurpose, no need to go into details but ladies, freshen the fuck up.

3.
Perfume.
Squish, et voila.

4.
Make up.
The whole hog or just the basics.
If you've followed my golden rule of sleeping in your make up you're only going to need to fix it up a bit, which is where the face wipes come in handy.
Red lipstick is a fail proof life saver.
Teamed with a good pair of...

5.
Sunglasses.
Always, always carry sunglasses in your bag.
Especially for sleepovers.

6.
Hair shit.
Pins, clips, whatever you need to look semi-presentable.
Hairspray. Perhaps a hat if you're that kind of girl.

7.
Deodorant.
Duh.

8.
Phone charger.
Portable charging bank ones are preferable.

9.
A change of knickers.

Always keep your bag near or in their bathroom.
Quick touch ups here and there made simple.
Happy days.

Oh, and for fuck sake make sure you've got all your goods when you leave.
You might decide you're done with them by the time you're out the door then remember you've only gone and left your shitting watch on their dresser.
Do make sure you don't forget anything.

Find out about their sexual health.

Being in the know about what they've had and haven't had is not you being a prissy little princess, it means you have respect for your body and yourself and you ain't taking no prisoners when it comes to keeping yourself tidy.
Nothing is more of a mood killer than an STI.

Don't lose your nerve and gain a nasty little rash.

If it turns out the other party has had anything nasty,

ABORT MISSION, I REPEAT, ABORT MISSION.

For fuck sake use birth control. 

Your preferred method of course, although saying they can kneel at the altar without singing in church, if you catch my drift, is an absolute fucking no no.

Condoms are the devils work but whack one of those bad boys on if needs must.

Carrying one in your purse/wallet means your a bloody baller, not a pervert or a loser.

We're adults here.
And if there are any mishaps he pays for the morning after pill.
If he has a problem with it you tell him to man the fuck up and remind him £28 is better than a lifetime's commitment to a child.
Also have nothing more to do with them if they act like a little bitch at a time like this.

Dinners out of the question but drinks are kind of necessary until you're comfortable enough to jump into bed with them.

Breakfast and Lunch are off the menu.

Coffee or tea the next morning is acceptable.

For the love of jesus find someone reliable.
This is not about playing games to keep one another interested, ok?
So we're not going to play that 'oh i'll wait a few days to reply and keep him interested' bullshit.
The sex should be the only thing that keeps you going back and the only thing you get in touch for.
If you request a little pillow talk they don't reply quick enough for your liking, drop them like they're fucking hot.
Seriously.
This is supposed to be easy and carefree.
Not you sitting wondering why the fuck they haven't messaged you back which in turn, is a turn off and just generally fucking rude.
This is where it's handy to keep a few balls in the air at once.
Because if one 'ball' doesn't come up trumps - and you really need that itch scratched - all you have to do it get in touch with your other 'buddy'.
Speaking of speaking, keep it to an absolute minimum when you're not together.
If you find yourself wanting to hear from them for anything other than sex, you need to re-think what you actually want from them.

Don't be so infantile to ask when they want to see you again.
Simply leave it as 'I'll get in touch with you when I want you' kind of thing.
Because being a bitch is sexy.

Stay golden pony boy.