A Girls Guide To Fucking Without Feelings

fuck buddy

noun

vulgar slang

1. a friend or acquaintance with whom a person regularly has sex without the expectation of a romantic relationship.

Two simple words that easily become overcomplicated if you don't have your wits about you and your shit firmly together.

At least when it comes to fun without commitment.
Something us girls seem to have serious issues with,

so I'm here to simplify things as well as give you all a little bit of friendly advice.

Think of me as an Ecstasy Aunt.

But before I begin I would like to make a few things very, very clear.
This is not me, Mimi Jane Crompton, whoring myself out or inviting men I don't know to try it on with me.
I'm not fucking interested.
If I was, I'd be in your bed.
Got it?
Good.

And another thing.
I'd like to make it quite clear that I'm not advocating faking anything here, I'm definitely not saying pretend you don't like someone in order to get them to carry on sleeping with you, what I am saying is if you're not looking for a relationship and you want to have a terribly fun time with an array of tasty delights,  I'm here to tell you how.


This is a no nonsense guide to fucking without feelings, so if you're an overemotional little bitch, please look away now.
By without feelings I mean finding people to have a lovely time with that you don't need to get attached to.
Although if you do happen to get attached don't for fuck sake be so silly as to turn a blind eye to it.

If you ask me, one night stands are for morons.
They've never been en vogue and never will be.

You don't know what you're getting yourself into and theres every chance you'll catch something that'll make you itch.
Completely unappealing if you ask me.

But if you're out of a relationship, you're not looking for anything with any meaning just yet,

-which may I add is totally fucking fine and I actually highly recommend it.
Being single in your twenties is an absolute necessity in order to learn and grow on your own.-

Back on track ladies, you're a functioning human, you're bloody well going to have itches that need scratching
(not the kind you'll need antibiotics for)
So what's a girl to do?

You find someone(s) to be at your beck and booty call thats what.

Let me just make something crystal clear;

If you are a woman who is sexually active, enjoys sex and actively seeks it,

THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A SLUT OR A WHORE.

So fuck off with your  judgemental stone age wanker ideas of how a woman should be.

Women have the right to do exactly as they wish with their own body.
Recent studies have actually shown that women are less well suited to monogamy than men!

And believe it or not, women have a big old sex drive too, you stuck up old prudes.
Women want sex just as much as men and this drive is "not, for the most part, sparked or sustained by emotional intimacy and safety."

Well, well, well.

Women aren't meek little housewives who wear chastity belts and have to wait until they're married until they can open their legs.
And we aren't out to use sex purely as a means to get what we want or to provoke monogamous emotional intimacy, we just really like sex too.

 I'm not promoting fucking around without a care for yourself or others.
Or fucking about with any Tom, Dick or Harry.
You need to hone in on who floats your boat and stick with them, not accept any invitations of sex from strangers.

 What I am advocating is this;
consensual intimacy with other people without expecting it becoming anything other than just great sex.

Sex doesn't only perk you up and feel fucking great about yourself, it also boosts your immune system, lowers blood pressure,  reduces the risk of heart attacks and eases stress.

So where are you supposed to find these fuckers?

Little black books are a thing of the past.
Instead we have a whole world of opportunity at our fingertips.
Tinder, Grindr, Facebook, Instagram.
All platforms with a smorgasbord of girls and boys to tickle your fancy at the click of a direct message.

All you need is a little blind faith, gumption and a pinch of self confidence and you're laughing.

Tinder is literally a walking advertisement for bonking.
If you like the look of someone all you have to do is message them, meet them, see if they float your boat and wham bam thank you ma'am, you're cooking with gas.
Other than that you might like to go out and actually scout the lucky fuckers.
I mean everywhere is a potential 'pick up' place.
Take Marks and Spencer's for example.
The gentleman cashier tried his luck big time by writing his number on my receipt a few weeks ago.
Let me reiterate that, the cashier in the fucking food hall where I was buying my chocolate almond milk tried it on with me.
And you think you can't find someone to get your kicks with?
Unfortunately for him, he was not as deliciously appealing as the chocolate almond milk I was purchasing and I decided to leave him on the shelf.

Go make small talk, get their name, stalk the bastards on Facebook and every known social platform known to make then send them a cheeky message to get the ball rolling.
Piece of cake, just be ballsy.
If they aren't completely taken aback and think all their christmases have come at once, fuck them off.

Firstly, this is a person purely for your sexual gratification, not a potential boyfriend or girlfriend.

That information needs to be very clear from the get go.
In your head and vocally said to whomever you plan on boning.
Saying that there are a select few people who just slot nicely into the role of a fuck buddy without having to have that conversation.
You'll know them immediately, mainly recognisable by the fact that they'll only be around if they/you fancy a bit of the other.

This is a time to be very straight about what you want from someone. 

You're not trying to please them unless you're both naked, so grow some balls and lay the law.

The trick of casual sex is being attracted to someone enough to want to sleep with them but not enough to want anything more.
You just have to basically really fucking fancy them.

But be sensible enough to know that you aren't compatible in any other way.

Because once we sleep with someone, emotions do have an awful habit of bubbling to the surface and we can't have feelings getting in the way of perfectly good sex now can we.

(Mother Nature needs to go to a few tantric sex classes, grow a pair of balls and man the fuck up)

There are wonderful people out there, the ones emotions never bubble up with no matter how wonderful they are in bed and these are the people you're looking for.
They're usually the devilishly handsome tall men with an ego the size of Mummy and Daddies cheque book and generally thought of as an enormous wanker.
And believe it or not in this situation, thinking they're a bit of a wanker is a good thing.
You don't really want or need to have anything in common with these people, conversation needn't flow because lets face it, the only words you really want them to be saying are dirty ones, assuming you're into that sort of thing.

I really wouldn't recommend letting anyone stay after the dirty deed is done, a fuck me then fuck off approach needs to be taken.

Because you're not there to make them fucking breakfast.

If cir-cum-stances absolutely dick-tate 

(oh this is pun heaven) 

that they have to stay then you have two options;
you can offer them tea in the morning which is universal code "for thanks for that now fuck off" without actually having to say it.

Or

you can just tell them to sling their hook.

Like I said, you're not trying to impress unless you're between the sheets (or up against a wall) it's a given they find you desirable enough to bone you, who cares if they think you're an upstanding citizen or a decent person.

I suggest going to them, that way you can leave whenever you please.

Parents houses are a no no, find someone with their own place.

You can absolutely afford to be picky here.

What you're wanting to avoid is the after sex intimacy.
For fuck sake no after fumble cuddling

No kissing 

Absolutely no hand holding.
They try and hold your fucking hand, you punch them in the face.
There are different levels of intimacy, smashing your bodies together in a race for an orgasm can be intimate if theres a connection but it can also simply be a release of energy.
Hand holding is too intimate and you'll fall dick first into an emotional fuck hole.

Keep the fuck to your own side of the bed, no touching what-so-ever.

This is absolutely crucial to maintaining a 'healthy' arrangement.

Take it from an old campaigner, I've fallen massively for the old "would you like my arm to sleep under?" line when I meant to purely keep things platonic.
Because it's human to want to be close to someone, especially if you've just slept with them but seriously trust me on this one.

You sleep under that arm and you're fucked mate.
You're well on your way into emotional dick sand.
Here meaning, mistaking really good sex for actual affection.

Staying at someone else's gaff unfortunately means that you probably won't be getting that much sleep.
Because sleeping next to someone you're trying to remain aloof with means you're going to be worrying about the following;
 is your face squished in an unflattering manner ?
does your hair look ok?
lord have mercy, what if you dribble or snore or any other bodily functions happen without your control whilst you're slumbering away?
christ, does he snore?
Oh fuck, will my fake tan come off on their sheets?
what the fuck is this bedding?
Is this nylon?
why doesn't he have more than two pillows on the whole bed? (personally I like two pillows under wherever I lay my fair head.)

You see the majority of men usually have decorative pillows which are no use to man nor beast for their beds (fuck knows why) and in my desperate ploy to make myself more comfortable, I have gone to extremes and used one of the itchy little bastards (because they are usually a shitty scratchy cotton imitation) which, I do not recommend.
So short of taking your own pillow, you're fucked.
Which all leads to little to no sleep, unless you're absolutely fucking off your tits drunk.
So there's always that option.

Ladies, this also means sleeping with your make-up firmly on.
No getting up and removing the illusion after you're finished doing the no pants dance.

See while this whole thing is definitely about about being comfortable with someone, it's not about being THAT comfortable.
No one really wants to wake up next to a bare faced puffy little beast when they've gone to bed with a beauty.

Better to have mascara smudged across your face and go for the disheveled look than scare the living shit out of the poor man and risk never seeing him again.

So you're going to need a few choice items in your bag to get you through the next morning.
Now I wouldn't suggest hanging around anytime at all unless theres a cup of tea or morning sex on the agenda so you'll only need a few basic things to get you the fuck out of there looking half decent asap.

1.
Taking a toothbrush is a bit overkill but you could get one of those cheeky little fold away ones and a little tiny bottle of travel toothpaste.
For fuck sake, under pain of death, keep both in your handbag at all times.
Nothing sends the shits up a man more than a toothbrush.
Seriously.
Offer a man a toothbrush at your house and they will run a fucking mile, even though you're only offering for hygienic 'brush your fucking teeth, you taste like a hamster cage, I'm not coming anywhere near you with breath like that' purposes.
I've been known to use the man in questions, if i'm going anywhere near them with my mouth and vice versa then using their toothbrush is not a problem in my eyes, but then some men are touchy little bitches and have a problem with it.
Which wouldn't stop me and it shouldn't stop you either.
Just be coy about it.
But if you too are a bit of a wimp go for the easiest option of travel size mouthwash.
Swish it about a bit, rub your teeth with your finger.
Fucking sorted.

2.
Face wipes.
Multipurpose, no need to go into details but ladies, freshen the fuck up.

3.
Perfume.
Squish, et voila.

4.
Make up.
The whole hog or just the basics.
If you've followed my golden rule of sleeping in your make up you're only going to need to fix it up a bit, which is where the face wipes come in handy.
Red lipstick is a fail proof life saver.
Teamed with a good pair of...

5.
Sunglasses.
Always, always carry sunglasses in your bag.
Especially for sleepovers.

6.
Hair shit.
Pins, clips, whatever you need to look semi-presentable.
Hairspray. Perhaps a hat if you're that kind of girl.

7.
Deodorant.
Duh.

8.
Phone charger.
Portable charging bank ones are preferable.

9.
A change of knickers.

Always keep your bag near or in their bathroom.
Quick touch ups here and there made simple.
Happy days.

Oh, and for fuck sake make sure you've got all your goods when you leave.
You might decide you're done with them by the time you're out the door then remember you've only gone and left your shitting watch on their dresser.
Do make sure you don't forget anything.

Find out about their sexual health.

Being in the know about what they've had and haven't had is not you being a prissy little princess, it means you have respect for your body and yourself and you ain't taking no prisoners when it comes to keeping yourself tidy.
Nothing is more of a mood killer than an STI.

Don't lose your nerve and gain a nasty little rash.

If it turns out the other party has had anything nasty,

ABORT MISSION, I REPEAT, ABORT MISSION.

For fuck sake use birth control. 

Your preferred method of course, although saying they can kneel at the altar without singing in church, if you catch my drift, is an absolute fucking no no.

Condoms are the devils work but whack one of those bad boys on if needs must.

Carrying one in your purse/wallet means your a bloody baller, not a pervert or a loser.

We're adults here.
And if there are any mishaps he pays for the morning after pill.
If he has a problem with it you tell him to man the fuck up and remind him £28 is better than a lifetime's commitment to a child.
Also have nothing more to do with them if they act like a little bitch at a time like this.

Dinners out of the question but drinks are kind of necessary until you're comfortable enough to jump into bed with them.

Breakfast and Lunch are off the menu.

Coffee or tea the next morning is acceptable.

For the love of jesus find someone reliable.
This is not about playing games to keep one another interested, ok?
So we're not going to play that 'oh i'll wait a few days to reply and keep him interested' bullshit.
The sex should be the only thing that keeps you going back and the only thing you get in touch for.
If you request a little pillow talk they don't reply quick enough for your liking, drop them like they're fucking hot.
Seriously.
This is supposed to be easy and carefree.
Not you sitting wondering why the fuck they haven't messaged you back which in turn, is a turn off and just generally fucking rude.
This is where it's handy to keep a few balls in the air at once.
Because if one 'ball' doesn't come up trumps - and you really need that itch scratched - all you have to do it get in touch with your other 'buddy'.
Speaking of speaking, keep it to an absolute minimum when you're not together.
If you find yourself wanting to hear from them for anything other than sex, you need to re-think what you actually want from them.

Don't be so infantile to ask when they want to see you again.
Simply leave it as 'I'll get in touch with you when I want you' kind of thing.
Because being a bitch is sexy.

Stay golden pony boy.

The Blind Leading The Blind Part 3

Number 26.

Never trust anyone who puts any of the following emoji's on your picture.

The little fire sign

The dancing latino girl in the red dress

The strong muscle arm

The two finger peace sign

and last but definitely not least, the fucking winky face.

No no no no no.

Oh! and the bloody punchy fist emoji? No.

Fuck boy 2k16.

Number 27.

First kisses are often weird.
Hang in there soldier.
Second kiss weird?
Run.
For the hills.
There's no chemistry there and you're wasting your sodding time.

Number 28.

There is no code to go by. 
No pocket sized rule book that tells you what's right and wrong.

 No manual that you can look up certain behaviour in or manual to decipher why someone is acting a certain way.

 It's constant guess work unless you have the gumption to outright ask what's going on in someone's head. 
Even then, good fucking luck trying to figure out what they're actually saying, because people are oh so into avoiding talking about anything of any real importance, and honesty?
What's honesty?
The best you can do is realise what works and doesn't work for you.
Then go by that.

One must master a world in which one is whole without outside validation. 

Number 29.

If it ain't you, it ain't you. You could do backflips on his dick and have an arse stuffed with diamonds.
But if it ain't you, it ain't fucking you.
 And that's not something to be sad about, believe me, If you aren't for someone, they certainly aren't for you.
It's a two way street. If someone else pulls away you, thank them.
For saving you from the prolonged bullshit brigade you'd be in for if you stuck around.
Don't get caught in the three ring shit show.
The sooner you take a step back from a situation and see whats really going on. i.e., wanky behaviour, suss it out, realise that its horse shit and move the fuck on.
Don't, for the love of all things holy, cling onto things that do not serve you or be upset because you no longer have draining, life sucking arse wipes in your life anymore.
Have some self respect.

Number 30.

Please do yourself a favour and don't look at other peoples relationships as something to be envious of.

She's probably faking her orgasms and he's most likely fantasising about the girl he saw on the bus.

Number 31.

Flattery is appealing. 

Do be careful not to get caught up in someone because you're lonely and they showed you a bit of attention/affection/flashed you a bit of ankle.

Make sure you get into situations with other people for the right reasons or you'll be up shit creek without a paddle.

Number 32.

You don't have to pay avid attention to every little thought that pops into your head, especially after midnight.
Unless it's an artistic one.
Run with those.
The best creative work gets done late at night.
Emotional thoughts after midnight?
No.
Bin them.
 Come back to them in the morning, I promise they will look very different in the cold light of day, and if they don't, well then you can act on them.
Get it?
 Good.
You're welcome.

Number 33.

Before making a major change to your hair, for example, cutting the whole bastarding thing off because it didn't play ball that day, I implore you to simply get some lowlights/highlights and see how you feel in a few days.
 Especially if you're a girl.
 Please for fuck sake check where you are in your cycle and put off the chop until your little hormones have balanced out a bit.

You'll thank me later.

Number 33.5

Refrain from making any big decisions when you're on your period.

That goes for you too men, with your monthly freak outs.

Number 34.

Don't buy cheap shoes.

They hurt and say a hell of a lot about you before you even open your mouth.

Number 35.

People get really nasty when they don't get their own way.
Pay no attention to them and their passive aggressive bullshit.
It takes up so much energy that you could be doing far better and more important things for yourself with.
Don't rise to their selfish emotional blackmail, don't try and fight your corner or explain, just ignore and internally curse their name and wish small pox upon them,
 or herpes.

Number 36.

A tan makes the world of difference. 

Number 37.

Red lipstick is a pick me up in a little plastic tube.

Apply liberally for instant lift/sex appeal.

Men, for you its a long sleeved, boat neck, tight but not too tight cotton top.

Number 38.

Don't ask questions if you're not capable of receiving an unwanted answer.

Number 39.

Never laugh at a man without his trousers on.

Trust me, it doesn't go down well.
Or at all after your little giggling fit.
Bare it in mind.

Gag intended.

Number 40.

People are made to think that it's not ok to change your mind or be undecided about something.

I'm here to tell you fuck em'.
In the eye, with a spoon.

It is perfectly ok to change your mind, more than ok, healthy and darn right bloody human.
It means you have a mind of your own to think with!

And if anyone makes you feel bad about it you have my permission to set fire to their arm hair/sideburns and whip them with wet tea towels.

Number 40.5
Try your very hardest not to get used to things being a certain way, things are ever changing and although it's a little bit of a scary thing, its also an absolute fucking blessing.
The sooner you give into the change and know that it is an enormous part of life and of great importance to keep everything fresh and new, the happier you'll be.

Number 41.

Don't say stuff you don't mean just to get a reaction.

Bad juju lies afoot.

Seriously, because you'll just feel like a bloody idiot after.

And you'll look like one to boot.

Number 42.

Ice cream, especially sorbet (raspberry), is acceptable at any hour of the day.

Number 43.
It's the 21st Century, fuck boys and girls are running around like headless chickens boning anything that moves, remember that there is a very good chance you won't hear from them after you've done the no pants dance.
Are you emotionally stable enough to deal with that?
Yes?
Carry on my friend, keep yourself nice though.
No?
Don't bloody do it, get a cat and take selfies with it.
Make a bloody cat shrine, floss, don't for the love of Mary, take your knickers off in front of a boy.

Number 44.
Stop using text/facebook/whatsapp messages to say things you can't say in person.
Grow some balls and say whatever you want to with conviction.

Number 45.
WhatsApp freaks me out.

Number 46.
The guy/girl you're talking to at the moment, imagine them without their top on.
Did you laugh?
Fuck off the idea of sleeping with them there and then.
If the thought of them in the all together doesn't leave your undercarriage skipping in anticipation then I'm afraid you've just found yourself another pal.
Take them out for ice cream to soften the blow.

Number 47.
Please cling onto childlike enthusiasm.
Once you lose, it you're fucked.

Number 48.
Cool it with the texpectations.
Don't text someone if a not getting a quick reply is going to bruise your ego.
People are busy.

 - Ignoring you mainly -

Send the text regardless.
Then get on with your life.
Calm the fuck down.
Be cool.
they're probably feeding their unicorn.
washing their socks.
talking to leprechauns.

Number 49.
Look at the sky around six thirty in the evening, especially in October.

Number 50.
If drinking pumpkin spice lattes makes you a basic white bitch,
then white bitch me up, Scotty.
They're fucking spectacular.

You Can't Fight Your Destiny

"“Accept everything about yourself — I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end — no apologies, no regrets.” –Clark Moustakas

I'm not quite sure where i'm going with this post yet, I had a thought this evening and I wanted to run with it so bear with me boys and girls. Everything i'm about to say is probably a contradiction of itself and almost certainly not to be taken as read.

To begin with this is being written by someone deeply cynical about whether or not romantic love actually exists. The kind of love that I'm talking about is reciprocated and unwavering. To be in love is to be loved, is it not? If you love and aren't loved in return, is it still love?
For someone as cynical as I, I'm about to say 'love' a whole heap of times, hold onto your knickers.
Still with me? Then I'll begin.

I was reading an article yesterday about humans quite obviously being creatures of habit and that we will follow the same patterns again and again, choosing and letting the 'wrong' people into our lives when we should really be choosing 'better' people, more suitable partners or friends, and all of a sudden I had a thought. 

As long as the situations and relationships aren't harmful to you in a physical or mental abuse sense, should we really be fighting against them?

Aren't these people we are so drawn to, the people for us? 

Let me elaborate..

 If you choose to go for someone who is the opposite of everything you're so drawn to, you're surely setting yourself up for a fall, aren't you? And i'm not talking the stomach churning, I can't live without you love fall, I'm talking more permanent dissatisfaction, no matter how much better they might be for your heart rate and stress levels. I believe one can scrimp and save on everything else in life, but not love. Go all out. Feel everything and let it consume you. 

If you are drawn to wonderful but destructive relationships that make you explode and implode at the same time, make your emotions overflow for better of worse, I say stay in them and feel everything intensely, let it overpower you momentarily, because in these cases of extreme end of the spectrum love, it is always the most for filling but almost impossible to keep afloat for too long because the initial all encompassing infatuation flame is bound to go out pretty quickly. If you are lucky enough to find someone who is utterly interconnected with you as much as you are with them for the love of god just revel in the madness and all consuming infatuation for as long as you can because these are the real moments in life. 

Where you are blown wide open and the other person picks you up and places your pieces back together so delicately and in such a way that you are more whole than before.

Now don't get me wrong, this kind of love, the destructive, hand clasping, heart beating out of your chest kind of adoration is emotionally turbulent, soul destroying, uplifting, terrifying, sobbing on the kitchen floor at 4am begging something or someone out in the vast unknown for guidance, breathless, all consuming, can't bare to be apart for a moment, if you are you want to die love.

By going for someone who goes against everything you find attractive and endearing, someone who would be oh-so-much better for your mental stability and for your anxiety but oh so wrong for your, for want of a better word, 'soul'.

What I'm saying is you cannot fight your nature without feeling a little hard done by.

And ultimately by fighting ones nature you are going against yourself, I believe thats where people go so wrong and lose themselves. 

I'm not condoning relationships that are physically or mentally destructive, I am not saying go for head fucks because I assure you, you will just not know where you stand, ever, however appealing the good bits are. 

If someone physically or mentally hurts you on purpose, get the hell out now and don't look back.

 On a side note, it seems like people always need a 'good enough' reason to leave, which I would say is down to loyalty. Wanting to leave someone is a perfectly good reason to leave. Just go.

I'm saying that if we simply accepted that we are a certain way and that our blue print is hardwired to think and feel in the way we do, we would be a lot better off not questioning it so much. 

Wouldn't we?

Now I am not saying don't question all together or don't strive for better if thats what you want or feel you need, what I am saying is don't berate yourself for being the way you are, feeling the way you do.

Fighting against your nature and blocking emotions out is a hiding to nothing.

I promise you any suppressed emotions will bubble to the surface and come out as some sort of physical manifestation, be that anxiety, fear, paranoia, hell, unfelt emotions can even cause physical illnesses. 

Simply put, divorcing ones health from ones emotions is an impossibility.

The classic definition of stress is “any real or imagined threat, and your body’s response to it.” Your body’s natural stress response can have a significant impact on your immune function, brain chemistry, blood sugar levels, hormonal balance, and oh so much more.

The end point of this is you have to go with your heart, don't fight against the tide. Embrace love and emotions that blindsides you out of nowhere, the unexpected oh-my-god-this-cant-be-real, is this real life love.

Be consumed and if you can learn to live along side it whilst diving into it headfirst, you're onto a winner.

The Blind Leading The Blind Part Two

Number 15.

Never underestimate the power of a good or bad haircut. That girl or guy you're digging oh-so-much, picture him/her with a different hairstyle and see if you still feel like fucking them.

Because I will tell you this for nothin', one day they'll arrive at your door with a dodgy new hair do and you'll be re-thinkning a few life choices. Hair changes EVERYTHING.

This may seem horribly shallow and lets face it, it really is, beauty is only skin deep and all that jazz but, trust me on this one.

Number 16. 

Appreciate the simple things in life.

Fuck buddies you can whistle up at a moments notice, those seriously handsome men and women you know little to nothing about other than the size of their..shoes..the ones that simply fuck you then fuck off without complications, because they are a god send. Find yourself one now. No commitment, no emotional attachment, no communication other than the obligatory booty call, no muss, no fuss.

Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am.

Speaking of which, do not underestimate the power of the chips and mayonnaise combo.

An under appreciated snack of dreams.

In fact appreciate condiments in general, a world without condiments would be a dull and fruitless one.

Number 17.

Do not fall for someone just because they show and interest in you.

This one should be a non brainer because lets face it, we aren't fucking neanderthals throwing rocks and lobbing wood at people we fancy the look of to get their attentions, thrilled to be hit by a lump of wood. 

But lets face it, it's flattering being smacked round the head with the metaphorical lump of timber, especially if you're feeling a little self doubting or you've just been shat on from a great height by that girl or guy you thought was 'the one'.
Please.
We have the luxury of being able to pick and choose who we do (literally) and don't take a liking to so for christ's sake, if you are going for someone because they're going for you, you need to tell yourself to man the fuck up. You're a sparkly stardust person and you deserve to fancy the socks off someone just as much as they fancy you.

Number 18.
LADIES, yep, you, the one with the black squidgy clump of eye make-up wedged in the corner of your eye, fucking sort it out. It is SO unbecoming.

Number 19.
Whilst we're on the subject of make-up, for the love of all things holy, what is 'lets draw on our eyebrows on so badly that we all look like clowns' routine all about? Stop it!
A cheeky little bit of shaping with a pencil or shadow the same colour as your eyebrow hair is totally acceptable but anything more and you simply look like a cunt.

Number 20.
Today someone said to me something along the lines of "there's nothing wrong with a woman having a dirty mouth from time to time."
It was a throw away comment but it struck a cord with me and I thought fuck that shit.
A woman should and may be exactly as she pleases at any given moment. Should do what she pleases, when she pleases, and please let me make this clear, this is not me being feminist, a man is totally within his right to do exactly the same thing. This also isn't me being ignorant to circumstance or code of conduct, one must and should always be aware of ones surroundings and lets face it, not be too much of a cunt, other than that, eat your bloody heart out lads.
Do what feels right at the time, overthinking is the root of evil. You'll work yourself up in to a head-fuck and ruin what could be something lovely.
Be conscious of your actions but not ruled by what you think you should be doing to impress other people, fuck em'.

Number 21.
Life is brief. Be aware of that harrowing fucker of a fact and let it influence your desicions but do not dwell on it because you'll end up in a mental asylum rocking in the corner mumbling about the universe and ants predicting the weather.

Number 22.
Thongs are the devils work and should be burnt at the stake. So are padded bra's on un-booby people. Seriously, who the fuck do you think you're kidding. Embrace those bad boys whatever size they are! You're only going to have a line of disappointed dim witted men who fell for your padded charms on face value, only to be bitterly disappointed once they whip your bra off, not to mention a line of obvious padding that pokes through the layer of your Tesco cheap cotton t-shirt is a total giveaway..

Number 23.
It's very important to learn how to trust your own judgement. Until recently I had been, to some extent, an 'ask for other people's opinion before making my mind up' type of girl. Let me tell you something, not everything needs to be aired and asked for someone else's judgement. Making your own mind up and getting behind your own choices without outside opinions, (which don't forget, are seen through their eyes from their ego driven points of view) is a very liberating thing.

Number 24.
It is not always necessary to tell friends/family/lovers everything you think, feel, do or see.
It's really important to keep something back just for you, so when you need to because someone ups and leaves, emotionally, physically or otherwise, or is unavailable for whatever purpose they serve for you, you have a kind of reserve to fall back on. You can fall back on yourself. And that is one hell of a string to your bow, actually being able to be able to catch yourself if you fall off your perch a little is a magnificent thing.

Number 25.
Listen to this.

The Blind Leading The Blind

Hello Sailor(s)!

After a lengthy hiatus I'm back with a little life advice and a few rather spunky opinions.

(Because I am such an incredible example of a girl and so utterly wise it hurts)

I'm going to ramble, write the first things that come into my head and you'll have to sift through it all to find any form of gold.

You see I often find myself writing notes down on my iPhone about what I've learnt from certain interesting situations and I thought I'd be a kind soul and pass my somewhat twisted thoughts on to those in need.

Now I think it best I start off by saying I am not by any means a fucking professional at this strange three ring shit circus that is life, I'm simply opinionated and a serious over thinker.

Disclaimer 
I use swear words like they're going out of fashion and I mean them in the most lighthearted of ways.

Number One. 

It is perfectly acceptable to say in any situation that once seemed promising but has seemingly turned to rat shit, "fuck this fucking shit." Be it a friendship, job, relationship, you have the right to simply walk away. And if you want to be a proper cold hearted bastard you don't even have to explain your actions, simply say "fuck this' and walk away with your head held high and your balls hefty with all the metaphorical steel they're carrying. 

If it no longer serves you, fuck it. 

Number 2.

 If you get that gut instinct feeling, bloody follow it. Something doesn't feel right? It almost certainly isn't. Don't over think this one too much. If your stomach does that 'somethin' ain't right' flip learn to listen to it and trust it. If I had a dime for the amount of times my gut has been right about something or someone i'd be writing this on a yacht in the Bahamas.

Go with your god damn gut chaps.

Number 3.
Just when you thought you were alright eating your gluten free, dairy free, hair free toast and drinking your protein shake you'll be blindsided by bullshit out of nowhere thoughts that just really want to fuck up your Tuesday.

Here's a handy as fuck tip to get you out of those shit fucking moments.

Music is one of the most emotive things in the world, in my opinion, one of the best/worst inventions known to man. The first few bars of a song can either cripple or cure you. In times of 'oh my fucking christ where's my head and what am I going to do to get my shit together and actually be able to human today' I turn to a specific set of songs that instantly make me feel perkier. One is Love In An Elevator by Aerosmith, I was going through an absolute cunt of a break up years back and my dear father took me to see them in London. We ate chocolate covered popcorn and drank Gin and danced away to that song and I realised in that moment that life really wasn't so bad and there were so many more interesting things to be consumed by than boys, I trained my mind for the foreseeable months after the gig to hear the chorus of that song any time a bad thought popped into my head. This is a nifty little trick that takes a bit of practise. Find a song that makes you instantly happy, one that you associate with a certain happy moment (no a song you and an arsehole ex boyfriend/girlfriend listened to, that defeats the fucking point) one that makes you happy on your own, with your cat eating ice cream or Kentucky Fried Fucking Chicken.
Since god has blessed us with an iPhone simply carry earphones wherever you go and plug those bad boys in whenever you feel mopey.

Here are a few cheeky suggestions;

Beat It - Michael Jackson
Kate Bush - Cloudbusting
I Can't Go For That - Hall & Oats
Elevate - St. Lucia
Over You - Roxy Music
Rebel Rebel - David Bowie
Nigga's in Paris - Kanye & Jay-Z, obvs.
Yes - McAlmont & Butler
Panama - Destroyer
Shut Up - Stormzy (innit)
Zayn whats his face from One Direction - LIKE I WOULD  (Fucking banger.)

Number 4.
Long distance relationships are bullshit. Take it from an old campaigner. Just don't do it. Ever. Nope. Stop. Bollocks to it. Don't even think about it. HALT.
No good will ever come of it. You'll both be wondering if one another are rodgering every Tom, Dick or Harry on a nightly basis, that is unless you have an 'unbreakable bond and trust each other implicitly', please. We aren't in a fucking Jane Austin novel.

Number 5.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please for the sake of your own fate be aware that when you are in a dimly lit public room i.e. a public house, brothel/whore house and you check your phone every five fucking seconds to see if that 'oh so hot' Tinder guy/girl you so want to match with has liked you back, you are quite literally shining a spotlight up your nose and highlighting your double chin making anyone who actually still does the whole talking to people in bars thing, instantly aware of your oily forehead and dodgy bronzer. The aim here is to give yourself the best chance possible at being even remotely appealing, don't fuck it up numb nuts.

Number 6.
Do not and I mean really do not expect anyone to fill you up (unless, well, except for when they are actually filling you up, god willing they're man enough for the job)
You need to fill yourself up with a fuck load of whatever takes your fancy (no we are not talking cock, unless that's all your after, crack on love) This day and age just screeeeeaaaaammmsss for us to find one other person who will love us so much that all our insecurities and downfalls simply disappear in a puff of hot air. Well here's a news flash, that ain't real life darlin'. Get the bloody idealistic story book love out of your head tout de suite. You've got to work on your own god damn shit and get it so together that should someone lovely come into your life, all they will do is enhance it, not become it. That's so fucking unhealthy and you're setting yourself up for one hell of a headfucked fall. This all consuming, obsessive love and infatuation is an absolute mother fucker because unless it's reciprocated and really felt bouncing back from someones very core, sincerely, it will send you up the wall. Literally, you'll drive your dodgy little Ford Fiesta into the nearest bricks and mortar.

Number 7.
Don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks.
It's fucking liberating.

Number 8.
Don't do anything to impress anyone else. So you got dumped, do not, I repeat do not stalk the next poor fucker up in line on social media and emulate their bullshit to try and win back said wanker. Seriously, writing it down this sounds like such nonsense but the amount of people I've seen trying to be a copycat is just embarrassing. Yes you've been fucked over, if someone leaves, let em'! Which leads me onto my next oh so fascinating bit of information I have up my sleeve..

Number 9.
Listen very, very carefully chaps. If someone leaves you, be that relationship wise, friendship, pimp, unloving bastard uncle twice removed for good reason. You let them leave. Do not under any circumstance chase after anyone who willingly leaves you. You are not a fucking imbecile. Please have some self respect and don't be a fucking wet blanket. I can personally say it is utterly liberating telling someone to sling their bleedin' hook when they inevitably come striding back in with muddy feet, and I assure you, they will come back and you'll just wish they'd fuck back off again.

Number 10.
Nothing is permanent. This is both a blessing and a curse. Know without a doubt that any bad situation you may find yourself in will not mean nearly as much as you think and feel it does at this very moment in time, next week, next month and by this time next year I promise you that it will be a mere bad memory. Because everything is ever changing! If you can see that as a positive and not something scary, you're onto a serious bloody winner.

Number 11.
When someone doesn't respond to a text, a call, a telegram, carrier pigeon, the not replying is a response in itself. Yes you'll undoubtedly feel a little hard done by and left hanging but people are selfish and rarely able to express themselves fuck faces and the silence is answer enough.
Sometimes you have to throw your hands up in the air and leave things unsaid, things left half done for the sake of your own sanity stop obsessing over the could and would haves and leave things hanging, pass it off as a bad experience, learn from it and move the fuck on.

Number 12.
Every single fucker that comes into your life will enlighten you in some way shape or form. I'm not talking Buddha style, lets not get too big for our bloody boots here. I'm talking take the good, learn from the bad kind of thing. I've been shown some of the best music by utter arsehole people who I thought were oh so great at the time. Take the shit hot titbits people feed you, discard the bullshit.

Number 13.
Try not to dwell or worry about things you have no control over.
The worrying won't do anything if you can't control it and if you can control it then there's no need to worry. Got it? Good.

Number 14.
This is something I've begun to realise is almost certainly the key to long lasting happiness.
If you can accept a situation exactly as it is, without wanting or expecting more you are onto a sure winner. What i'm saying here is if you can learn to enjoy moments without wanting more from them, just simply revelling in the sheer joy of actually being able to experience something good for even the smallest amount of time, and realising that these moments are a gift that you should be bloody fucking grateful for, you will be well on your way to a fuck head free mind and all round sparkly life.


Being the changeable bastard that I am, all this information will be irrelevant this time next week, pick the bones of it and apply it (or not, probably best not) to your little lives and see how you get on.

Well, thats all for now folks.
Stay Golden Pony Boy x

Lovers & Fuckers.

Well it hasn't half been a while.

And in true me form, I'm back with a rather offensive thud.

A few days ago I got to thinking about online dating.

I realise this is rather a sensitive subject to write about, seeing as it seems to be the most popular go to way to meet people in this day and age. 

Statistics say that 46% of Tinders users are lying little bastards when they say they're single.

With a staggering 10 million (yes, million) people using Tinder daily, they boast that they can indeed do magic, matching up 1 Billion couples. 

One fucking billion. 

Here's a fun scary fact, the largest age block of users age range from 25 years old to 34 years young. The second largest are a baffling tiddly tiny 16-24 years old. My point is why are these young men and women searching with their fingers through false profiles with fake promises, instead of getting their young arses out of the house and off of their phones to find a match? 

What's gone so wrong that people need a screen in front of them to feel confident enough to sell themselves as desirable?

So here's my take on it, and before I embark on a wordy rant, I feel I must say  this.

Nothing I'm about to say here should be taken as any kind of suggestion or evidence that anyones personally chosen way of having sex or a relationship or anything one person needs, wants or desires when it comes to either thing is right or wrong. 

Phew. 

I'll begin. 

It's a virtual reality and isn't in fact about making a life long match or any real connection at all, it's about fulfilling a certain need quickly and evidently quite effectively.

 You can re-invent yourself completely, hell, you don't even have to use your own name let alone your own picture. You can be anyone, say anything. 

After all, who are you really talking to? 

For all you know it could be a strange kinky little robot with a penchant for nipple clamps.

Do morals and beliefs get left at the proverbial door or do they fail to exist in the first place?

Isn't it just a way to hook up and sleep with people of a similar mindset who aren't brave enough walk up to someone in a bar in fear of being shunned or misunderstood?

With tag lines like "do you have a dead donkey, because I'd be willing to stuff that ass" can anyone really expect to find love? 

Statistics say that most men are on theses sites to fulfill a sexual fantasy, with the protection of their computer screen as a wing man in case shit hits the fan. 

Statistics also say that men drawn to these sort of sites are not ready or able to embark on a real relationship, moving from one online created connection to the next without ever really having to worry about the consequences. Let's face it, one simple block of a finger and you're as good as a missing person, never to be found again by the poor 'unsuspecting' insignificant others.

It didn't particularly come as a surprise to me that I couldn't find much about the kind of women attracted to dating sites, it would seem as if women want men to look like the bastards here, hunting for innocent girls to prey on, when I know for sure that women are on these sites looking for a casual fling with no strings attached.

And may I just say, fair play to both sexes. If that tickles your fancy, you carry on. 

The internet dating world enables us to engage in such a way which is as good as meaningless. 

Which leads me onto my next point, how can anyone fall for it and why doesn't it just come out the god damn closet and front up to what it really is. A no strings attached, no frills quick fuck then fuck off affair. 

I believe there are a few kind hearted souls who really are on there to find their little fairytale ending, the majority of users (being the operative word) are purely on there for sexual gratification and ego stroking. And what pleases the ego more than sex?

Lets have a little look see into how sex alters the brain in both sexes.

When a woman has an orgasm the hormone oxytocin - known as the love hormone -  is released.

This lowers our defences and makes us trust people more. It increases levels of empathy and here's the fun part, it tricks the mind and body into thinking your are in love. 

The problem is the body can't distinguish whether the person we're with is a casual fuck or marriage material, oxytocin is released either way. While oxytocin might help you bond with someone lovely, it is also the reason you feel so miserable when a short term relationship ends. And we all know how 

venimous a woman scorned is, and these chaps are literally fucking blind folded, they don't know the woman's history ~ she might be off her rocker ~ which in turn could lead to the poor unsuspecting chap who simply wanted to get his end away, in fact turn into him getting his end chop off. 

 So now you see that it's actually pretty fucking dangerous getting involved in the veritable feast that is the dating pool.  

 When a man has sex the main hormone released is dopamine - the pleasure hormone. Although men do not get the same lovey dovey feelings that women do, the surge of dopamine is addictive thus bringing men back for more and perhaps confusing women with the feeling of real intimacy where as it's actually a simple chemical reaction they're interest in. 

Please do not think I am condemning sex, far from it.
Sex is bloody genius, it's not only a seriously fun thing to do, it's actually incredibly good for you and your well being. 

The endorphins produced in those moments (let's hope it's more than mere moments, aim for hours girls and boys. Stamina.) of mindless loveliness can really help treat bouts of misery and clear a fuzzy mind.
An orgasm releases an extra shot of serotonin to your brain which acts as an anti-depressant making you feel cheerful, emotionally balanced and content.
It's also very commen for people to cry after sex because of the high dose of endorphins released and heightened emotions. Or they/you could just be a really lousy fuck. If that's not a good reason to cry, I don't know what is.
According to a little article I read, having an orgasm is the body's equivalent of a natural high,

No need to spend any money at all, just use your imagination!

 Jesus Christ, if that isn't a great way to put a spin on anti drug slogans, I don't know what is.

 "Why waste your heard earned cash on weed when with the right imagination and the correct application, you can get yourself off for free!"
Ok, back on track.
I believe the point I am trying to make here is we live in such a virtual reality that we wouldn't know any thing true or real if it smacked us in the face with its fleshy hand.

And not only that, it's a bloody con. At least hook up sites like Grindr are honest. 

That's what it is. Dishonest. 

How can any good possible come from something based on fantasies, virtual reality and dishonesty?

Say it as it is, don't sugar coat it. Be unapologetic. 

I'll leave you all to have a little ponder on that. 

Thank you for reading and I'm terribly sorry if I've offended you. Terribly sorry you're a fucking wet blanket. 

Over and out,

x

Less Deepak Chopra, More Deeply Sarcastic.

So, I've been thinking about writing up a 'serious' post but whenever I actually sit down to put fingers to keyboard, nothing comes out. I have all these idea's about interesting subjects I have strong opinions on and they all go up in a puff of smoke when I attempt to verbalise (or the writing equivalent) them. So I thought here's what I'll do, I'll just write and see what comes out. You're all in for a real treat, my mind has a terrible habit of coming up with the most obscure things.

The first thing that pops into my head is why people always seem to want more. People as a whole are seldom satisfied with what they have, always pushing the limit of what's on offer. Take this for instance, when it comes to relationships - of any kind, mostly the 'romantic' kind - talking to someone for hours, seeing someone and doing something lovely for an evening leaves us wanting more, or at least it should, I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't think anyone lets that feeling thaw out before they're pestering the other person for another date to put in their diary, another conversation, more. Why is no one satisfied with what they have? The feeling of wanting more should be celebrated, instead it's seen as an unsure thing, ie, What more is there? What will happen? When will it happen? 

Mentally going on overdrive, worrying about what hasn't and might not ever actually happen seems like a lot of hard work when what 'we' should be doing is going with the flow, not pushing against the current, what will be will be and pushing it is a sure fire way to drive anything way in the other direction.

See now I'm rambling and I don't quite know what my point is yet, I'll get to it. 

Mick Jagger whines about being unable to get satisfaction, and funnily enough it seems to be the national anthem these days. The fact of the matter is everything and everyone is so accessible, 'available now, available 5 minutes ago' there's no bloody mystery any more. Facebook even tells you when someone has seen your message, If you don't reply immediately, you are a bastard. I think what I'm trying to say here is technology and it's hold on people, is responsible for an awful lot of fuck ups and misunderstandings. These days people check their phone before turning over and saying good morning to one another, I have been more than guilty of this on countless occasions but isn't it a bit fucked up? I saw a couple walking along the sea front both glued to their phones, not looking at the sky or the sea, least of all looking at each other, missing out on the real world because they are so involved in the fantasy that they've created via the power of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc. Too busy telling the world what they're doing to actually enjoy themselves while they are doing it, it almost seems like we want to constantly boast about what we're eating, drinking, doing, who we're seeing, who hurt us, pisses us off, blah, blah, blah.

Now I say all of this as an insider, I'm absolutely guilty of all of the above, I just wonder how it all came to be. Its like a crazy frenzy that's taken hold with a vice like grip and refuses to let go, or worse yet, doesn't want to be let go. 

It's all smoke and mirrors isn't it? Talking to people online is a recipe for disaster as far as i'm concerned, getting to know the version of someone they want you to see. It's kind of like having empty feelings for an idea of something or someone. Sure, you can fall in love with the idea of someone, easy, the reality is probably very different. I'm talking overweight, balding and string vest alcoholic, 'here's a picture of me from 20 years ago' different. 

While I am ranting, what oh what does the fashion industry actually bring to the table? Yes beautiful clothes, but at a price and i'm not just talking the extravagant price on the tag. I'm talking making people  - mostly girls - feel inferior because they don't have the perfectly beautiful long limbs, the beautiful hair, glowy skin, manicured nails that are all manufactured and manipulated. Designers, hairstylists, make up artists, being paid ridiculous amounts of money for what? 

As promised, I'm now wittering on. 

Basically, be happy now, don't beat yourself up, don't fish for the future, don't live in the past because although it affected your reality then, it doesn't have to affect your future. Let go! Here and right now is pivotal. It's literally all there is or ever might be. For the love of god seize the moment. 

Over and out x